


Love Sucks

by Meaka



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, And Erwin Smith, But he isn't sure which he loves more, Levi just really really loves vacuum cleaners, M/M, Mention of robosexual relationships, No one actually has sex with a vacuum cleaner though, christmas day, general silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:06:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meaka/pseuds/Meaka
Summary: “Is this what I think it is?” Levi reached for the gift that Erwin had picked up earlier that month.He’d put special effort into wrapping it neatly in beautiful wrapping paper, tying it with a big red bow and attaching a tag with a note which professed Erwin’s undying love for the odd little man. It was clear from its external appearance that it was Levi’s ‘big’ gift that year, and had quickly drawn his attention.Grinning around the lip of his mug, Erwin raised his eyebrows innocently, “I don’t know. Perhaps you should open it and see?”
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 7
Kudos: 81





	Love Sucks

**Author's Note:**

> So this is probably the dumbest thing I've EVER written, but it makes me laugh. It is set in a modern au; Erwin and Levi have somehow been reincarnated into the modern world, and they and the vets have retained all their memories of their former lives in my Verbind world. You don't need to read it to read this though. And there may be hints of things to come in Verbind dich mit mir.
> 
> I recently got one of these vacuum cleaners myself and absolutely adore it. Seriously folks, buy a cordless vacuum cleaner- you'll never look back! 
> 
> Anyway, I thought, well if I love this thing, how much would our favourite clean freak love it?
> 
> Plus I needed to write something nice about these two as my heart is hurting from the manga and I just want them to be happy.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was Christmas day, and Erwin awoke to the wonderful smell of roasting meat and the sounds of Christmas radio. He could hear his husband bustling around in the kitchen, and wondered if Levi had made any coffee yet. The buttery-smooth bedsheet was tucked neatly around Erwin. When he stretched and yawned, causing his arms and shoulders to expose themselves, their cottage was warm and the day beckoned.

As usual Levi had been up from the crack of dawn to start stuffing and cooking the goose and prep some of the other food. Erwin loved Christmas, and so every year Levi would try and recreate their happier days in the Survey Corps, one of which had always been Christmas Eve and Day. In stark contrast to the pain and misery they endured many of the other days of the year, the decorating and camaraderie at that time of year had always felt a bit magical. The lack of planned expeditions meant that the soldiers had been able to relax their routines somewhat, and the availability of meat and small luxuries boosted morale significantly. Even the year Wall Maria had fallen, Humanity’s Strongest had put effort in to make the day special for his comrades, despite the distinct austerity at the time.

Last year they had guests, but this year it would just be the two of them. Mike and Nanaba had come from their ranch in California, and Hanji and Moblit had flown in from Silicon Valley; they had a jolly time together reminiscing about those happy days, and Erwin had been sad to see them leave. Thank goodness for Skype calls.

This year, Levi had gone to considerable lengths to decorate the house, but had rather overdone it at first, making their home have the feel of a badly decorated Mall-Santa’s Grotto. As delicately as he’d been able to, Erwin had to break it to him that he’d gone a little overboard. They’d started again, and now the house was tastefully dressed for the winter season.

Later that Christmas morning, once the clock had struck a sensible hour, Erwin had hauled himself out of the sumptuous bed, put on his glasses and went to find Levi. He was in the kitchen wearing his frankly adorable ‘kiss the cook’ apron. Spinning him round, Erwin swooped him into a short ballroom dance, dipping him and smiling at the unimpressed look flashed back at him.

“Good morning handsome. Happy birthday! Merry Christmas.”

“Bah humbug,” but the spark in his grey eyes belied Levi’s Scrooge-like retort.

Erwin pulled the slighter man back upright and kissed him. Then he grabbed some freshly-brewed coffee and steered Levi by the hips towards the living room, where a large pile of presents were begging to be opened. The logs were in the fire ready to be lit later that evening, and under the fir tree was a stack of gifts. The blonde sat in his pyjamas cross-legged on the sofa, sipping his coffee as Levi inspected the collection of different sized boxes under the tree. In particular, Erwin couldn’t wait to see Levi’s reaction to one of his gifts. Based on Levi freezing stock-still when he saw one particularly large rectangular box, Erwin was pretty sure Levi had guessed what it might be.

“Is this what I think it is?” Levi reached for the gift that Erwin had picked up earlier that month. He’d put special effort into wrapping it neatly in beautiful wrapping paper, tying it with a big red bow and attaching a tag with a note which professed Erwin’s undying love for the odd little man. It was clear from its external appearance that it was Levi’s ‘big’ gift that year, and had quickly drawn his attention.

Grinning around the lip of his mug, Erwin raised his eyebrows innocently, “I don’t know. Perhaps you should open it and see?”

Usually, Levi opened gifts slowly and with great reverence, savouring every second and carefully reading any messages. But this time he seemed unable to control himself; ripped pieces of paper flew into the air, followed by the lovingly handwritten tag and the ribbon as he tore into the gift. Then, eyes wide with happiness, he raised the box into the air over his head and shouted ecstatically, “A Morphy Richards upright cordless Supervac vacuum cleaner with a detachable handheld!”

Holding back a laugh, Erwin set down his coffee and smiled at the reaction, “I’m glad you like it.”

It was the understatement of two lifetimes.

“Like it? I love it!” Levi stroked the outside of the box, gazing in awe at it as though it were a new-born baby, “I’ve wanted one of these for so long.” He glanced up at Erwin, “But how did you know what to get?”

Doing some detective work hadn’t been so difficult really. There had been countless unclosed tabs on their home computer comparing different brands of vacuum cleaner. But on their browsing history, Levi’s focus had seemed to be on the Morphy Richards devices.

“Santa always knows. And you’ve been such a good boy this year.”

Levi made to open the box and remove the vacuum, intent on getting it charged up ASAP, but paused and looked up again at Erwin with pure adoration in his eyes. With a mighty leap, he launched himself against his husband on the sofa, wrapping his arms around the thick neck and almost choking Erwin in his effort to demonstrate how pleased he was with the appliance.

“ _Gurk_ \- Levi _\- too tight_ -“

Levi let up slightly, then started to plaster his face with loving kisses, "You beautiful blonde bastard." 

Erwin readjusted his now wonky glasses and bumped their noses together affectionately. “You know, most spouses dislike being gifted cleaning appliances. They warned me so in Target. Told me that I would be forfeiting my marital rights for a good long while, possibly forever. They advised me that hiring a cleaner might be cheaper than a divorce.”

“Tcchh, well, they probably don’t know what it’s like to live without such a wonderful device. Remember the hours I spent brushing the HQ floors by hand?”

“I absolutely do.” Erwin had on many occasions over the years in their past life tried to convince the other man that the time could be put to much better use, alas to no avail. Usually it was quicker to join in and then at least the job would be done quicker. The only thing that had ever really worked to coax Levi away from cleaning was the promise of oral sex. Usually it was then followed by lengthier fooling around.

“And then remember when I first saw a vacuum cleaner in Mitras?”

“Yup.”

It had been a hand-cranked box; one would turn the handle and a vacuum would be created which could then be used to clean surfaces. The thing was heavy and took three strong men to lift it between rooms to be used by the maids. The nobleman who owned it had actually shown it off at his fundraiser that year, and had been delighted at Humanity’s Strongest taking such an interest in the device.

Levi had desperately wanted one of his own and had pleaded the entire way home in the carriage, first verbally and then by trying to ply Erwin with sexual favours. Sadly, the corps budget simply wouldn’t stretch to such an extravagance, despite Levi putting forward a business case for how much time he personally would save.

_“Think of humanity, Erwin.”_

_“Oh, and how exactly would humanity benefit from the Captain of the Survey Corps owning a vacuuming device?”_

_“I would spend more hours training my squad. And get more paperwork done.”_

As much as Erwin would have liked to have gotten him one, it had simply been impossible with the way their funding was ever-dwindling. He was glad that they never had to return to that particular noble household, as Erwin was pretty sure the visit would have ended with Levi returning to his thieving ways and liberating the appliance from its owner. Levi had never really asked for anything in their past life, and it had broken Erwin’s heart a bit to not be able to give him the one thing he ever did admit to coveting.

But now he had the means to shower Levi with pretty much anything his heart desired, and luckily Levi still wasn’t demanding or high maintenance. One of the ways Erwin liked to express his love was through the thoughtfulness of his gifts. The delight was evident on Levi’s face as he took the vacuum cleaner out of its box and then proceeded to read through the instruction manual in painstaking detail.

“You definitely deserve a reward for this, Erwin.”

“Well, if you insist. What do you suggest?”

Levi leaned in to whisper seductively in Erwin’s ear, “How about a ‘husband of the year’ mug?”

“Hmmmm. I was thinking more along the lines of returning to bed?”

He could feel Levi sniggering against his ear, “But then no one else will know how wonderful a husband you are.”

Rolling his eyes at the reference to his own terrible joke in their previous life, Erwin snorted “I know what you are referring to, you know. And I stand by the suggestion that you would have enjoyed being named employee of the month.”

“I was unofficial employee of the month every fucking month until I actually died. Besides Erwin, a mug would be more permanent than sex. You could bring it into work and everyone would see that you were my favourite husband.”

Erwin tried to recall exactly what their conversation in the SC had been so long ago, “How about I scream really loudly during sex and that way everyone will also know that I’m husband of the year,”

“But then everyone who gets me nice things might expect the same treatment.”

“Nah, the others all know I’ve always been your favourite husband.”

“True. Not that there wasn’t a lot of fucking choice though was there?”

Pretending to be offended, Erwin slapped Levi gently on the ass, “Hey! Then how come you still picked me again?”

“Your massive horse cock.” Levi winked.

“Uh huh. Nothing else?”

The younger man cupped Erwin’s face gently and kissed him, “Because you are the most wonderful man in all the world.”

“Really?” Erwin beamed.

“Really really.”

Heart bursting, Erwin could feel Levi’s arousal pressing against his thigh as he continued to ply his blonde husband with grateful smooches.

Erwin palmed Levi’s bulge, “Is that for me? Or your vacuum cleaner?”

“I’m not sure really.”

Giving Levi’s ass a playful slap, Erwin peered over the top of his glasses in what he hoped was a seductive expression, “I hope you plan on putting it to good use.”

Levi bit his lip and glanced at the hoover. “Give me one minute-” and sliding off Erwin’s lap proceeded to plug in the device to charge. Checking that the charge light was on, the strange little man then hopped back on his husband and straddled him, grinding himself into Erwin’s hard stomach, “-right, now I’m all yours.”

~~~~~

As Levi whizzed around the house with his new hoover, Erwin shook his head incredulously at the strangeness of his husband, but was quietly thrilled at the reaction the gift had received.

“Can you hear how silent it is, Erwin?! And the LEDs on it show up all the dirt.” Levi shoved the head of the hoover under a low table and the little lights gleamed, evidencing the very sparse speckling of dust on the ground under it. “Fifty minutes run time. That’s more than enough for our home.”

“How’s the food?” Concern was mounting in Erwin that, in his excitement for his new appliance, Levi may have forgotten about the Christmas dinner.

“It’s fine.”

Erwin hunkered down in front of the oven in their enormous kitchen to peer in at the bird. It looked and smelled more than fine. When they had first viewed the house, one of the major draws for Levi had been the industrial-sized kitchen and adjoining utility area. As a chef (and a Michelin Starred one to boot) a lot of his time was spent coming up with niche dishes. Erwin served as a test subject, and had to up his gym attendance as a result, lest he actually become clinically obese. If Erwin had it his way, every day would be a meat day; unfortunately Levi had recently started trying out more vegan dishes. Although utterly delicious, nothing pleased Erwin more than a big ole juicy steak or a roasted bird.

He took a deep sniff, “It smells amazing.”

Levi shoved the hoover at him, “Are you just checking it isn’t rat?”

“I’m merely making sure you aren’t trying to recreate our SC Christmases too faithfully.”

Immediately after the fall of Wall Maria, what was left of the Survey Corps had moved to their new HQ near Trost. The place hadn’t been lived in for a long time, but Levi had spruced the place up while Erwin as the new Commander was away gunning up support and funding from the nobility. When he had returned, Erwin had spent the first week cheerfully enjoying the delicious stews Levi had produced in the kitchens, and had suffered a terrible a shock to find that they actually contained rat meat. Really, when he thought back on it, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed earlier; the taste and texture had been somewhat unusual. The bits of meat had seemed exceptionally tiny. Not to mention the fact that the others had only picked at their portions, and eyebrows would raise when Erwin would go back for second helpings. Coupled with the fact that the rat population in the castle had rapidly dropped, it now seemed unbelievable that he hadn’t put two and two together. At the time, Erwin had assumed Levi had just been using rat poison rather successfully, and was perhaps using rabbit caught in the grounds outside. Erwin remembered Hanji’s cackling laughter at the look on his face when he realised what he had been consuming.

But hey, it had been pretty tasty nevertheless.

~~~~

That night after a wonderful day, Erwin lay in bed reading his new history book and waited for Levi to join him. The man came in pushing his new vacuum cleaner, parked it beside the bed and then proceeded to the en suite to wash.

Erwin stared. “You’re going to sleep beside it?”

“Be quiet,” came Levi’s voice from the bathroom.

In that moment, Erwin wondered if he had made a mistake purchasing the appliance. “Perhaps I should just vacate my space in the bed and you can sleep beside your new best friend?”

Leaning out of the bathroom door with toothbrush in hand, Levi gave him a facetious look. “You would do that for us? How sweet.”

Once Levi was in bed, he patted the hoover and slipped under the covers facing Erwin. Giving each other a kiss, Erwin turned and switched off the bedside lamp.

“Good night Levi.”

“Goodnight Erwin.” A pause. “Goodnight Mr Richards.”

Erwin sighed in exasperation, and could feel the bed shaking from Levi’s snorts of laughter. He tossed so his back was to his cruel husband.

A hand reached out to stroke the back of his head, “I hope you aren’t jealous, Erwin.”

Erwin scoffed, “I’m not jealous of Mr Richards.”

“Hahhahahaha!” The smaller man snuggled close to spoon him, “So formal, Erwin. His friends call him Morphy, you know?”

“He’s not my friend.”

“You just need to spend some more time together,” Levi teased, “he’s really nice once you get to know him. Perhaps you could take him golfing with you in the new year. Or take him to the pub for a few drinks.”

“That’s it,” he flipped over and pounced on Levi, proceeding to tickle him senseless, “we are not anthropomorphising your vacuum cleaner.”

Eventually, Levi begged for him to cease, “Stop, please! Alright, alright, I’ll stop teasing you!” In the dark, a small hand came up to cup Erwin’s face and draw him in for a kiss. “There’s only room for one sucker in my life, and that’s you Erwin.”

Speechless now, Erwin could only shake his head while Levi continued to laugh at his own terrible jokes.

Levi’s eyebrow’s waggled mischievously, “You know Erwin, there’s even robosexual vacuum porn if you search on the internet hard enou-“

Erwin interrupted him before he could continue, “If I ever catch you fucking your vacuum cleaner, we are getting a divorce. Maybe I should just return Mr Richards before you even have a chance to consider engaging in non-consensual sex acts with him. I still have the receipt.”

Even though he couldn’t see Levi’s face clearly in the dimness of the room, Erwin could tell there was an aghast expression from the sound of Levi’s mouth opening, “You wouldn’t! Besides, it wouldn’t be non-consensual. I would fully consent, and as the only human in such a relationship, mine is the only consent that matters,”

“Don’t test me.”

“Erwin,” Levi’s voice grew earnest and he began stroking the side of his face with the back of his fingers, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to keep teasing you. I’m just very excited and pleased with the gift you got me. It was so thoughtful. I know you would have gotten me one in Trost if you could have. I really am very grateful. I love you.”

Mollified, Erwin extended out an arm and Levi fit against him perfectly. “I’m glad. Thank you for dinner and my gifts too. Happy birthday.”

Levi sighed, “I didn’t get a spanking from Santa this year. I’ll try and be a little bit less well behaved in future and perhaps next year I’ll get lucky.”

Smirking, Erwin slipped a hand down the back of Levi’s pyjama pants, “I’ll show you lucky. Come here.”

Outside the window, tiny snowflakes began to fall and settle on the little cottage, the silence of the wintry countryside only broken by the sounds of laughter and pleasure from the two men ensconced happily in their little piece of heaven.


End file.
